Hessischkurs für Amerikaner Südhessisc …

Hessischkurs für Amerikaner
Südhessisch

Ei gude wie
Hello, how are you?

Unn?
What’s going on?

Kumm Hoiner, steck der a ao o
Do you want to smoke, Henrik?

Was hattan da de babba da?
What helds the father in his hand?

Kummschd uff Pfingschd uff Pfungschd?
Do you come on whitsun to Pfungstadt?

Hinne anne geihts no Branne
The way to Brandau starts at the backside (of the house)

Aasch glaab s gehd lous!
Are you nuts?

Aa horschemol!
Listen to this!

Prodoneworscht
Bread without meat

Du ahle Babbsagg!
You suck!

Heinz Schenk
David Bowie

Hannebambel!
Stupid person!

Hae?
Excuse me Sir, could you please be so kind to repeat your statement. I couldn’t hear you well.

Schoppe
about half a pint of a sour alcoholic apple wine

Mer waases net.
I don t know.

Deeft isch emohl eier Metzelsopp vesuuche?
May I taste your battlesoup?

Morsche! – Aach Morsche!
Good morning to you! – Good morning to you, too!

Des is abber babbisch!
This is a little sticky!

Die hat doch en Dubbe!
She s nuts!

Mer laaft de brieh de stern enunnee.
Sweat is running down my face.

Heit brennt de planeeet widder.
It s really hot today.

Uffgebassd.
Pay attention

Isch werd rammdoesisch
I m feeling kind of weird

Kenndisch graad verriggd werrn!
I m going mad

Ooch gee haahm!
Be off with you, you foolish person!

isch mach weideh
Good bye.

The European Commission has just announc …

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby

English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as „Euro-English“.

In the first year, „s“ will replace the soft „c“. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard „c“ will be dropped in favour of the“k“. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome „ph“ will be replaced with „f“. This will make words like „fotograf“ 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent „e“s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing „th“ with „z“ and „w“ with „v“. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary „o“ kan be dropd from vords kontaining „ou“ and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Special High Intensity Training

Memo to All Employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
all our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We try to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel
that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.
list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS. (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE
ATTITUDE TRAINING. (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST OF LEADERS
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T).
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training
(D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.)