The European Commission has just announc …

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby

English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as „Euro-English“.

In the first year, „s“ will replace the soft „c“. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard „c“ will be dropped in favour of the“k“. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome „ph“ will be replaced with „f“. This will make words like „fotograf“ 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent „e“s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing „th“ with „z“ and „w“ with „v“. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary „o“ kan be dropd from vords kontaining „ou“ and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Special High Intensity Training

Memo to All Employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
all our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We try to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel
that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.
list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
Thank you for your time.

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training

A police officer came upon a terrible wr …

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said „I wish you could talk.“ The monkey looked up at the officer
and shook his head up and down. „You can understand what I’m
saying?“ asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
„Well, did you see this?“
„Yes,“ motioned the monkey.
„What happened?“
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
„They were drinking?“ asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head „Yes.“
„What else?“
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
„They were smoking marijuana?“
The monkey shakes his head „Yes.“
„What else?“
The monkey motioned „kissing.“
„They were kissing, too?“ asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head „Yes.“
„Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.“
The monkey shakes his head „Yes.“
„What were you doing during all this?“
„Driving“ motioned the monkey.